I wish I were
I wish I were you so I could be friends with me.
Sometimes one middle finger isn’t enough to let someone know how you feel. That’s why we have two hands.
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
Flying is learning how to fall without hitting the ground.
A friend of mine said he thought Facebook had killed the art of conversation. I said Like .
You`re fat. “It runs in my family!” Dude, no one runs in your family.
HOS is taking a walk outside her mind
What if the Mayan calendar ends in 5105 and we’ve just been holding it upside down?
You deserve a standing ovation from my tallest finger!
I wake up when I can’t hold my pee in any longer.
Those buggers that try to make you laugh while you’re getting yelled at by the teacher….. Not cool.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
Me (surprised): omg. Me (amused): omg. Me (angry): omg. Me (sad): omg. Me (annoyed): omg. Me (scared): omg.
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I’m home alone & my power goes out.
Ever want to say IDK without sounding stupid? Say this: I hesitate to articulate in fear I may deviate upon the highest degree of accuracy.
knows she’s bored when she has thoughts of what the cat would look like shaved.
Me and my wife are inseparable. Sometimes, it takes three or four people to pull us apart.
Morning: Laziness. Afternoon: Dying for a rest. Night: Can’t sleep!
To be successful at fishing, you should get there yesterday, when the fish were biting.
There has to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction.
Put “Talk You” in a sentence. A stoned man answered: Talk You is the capital of Japan!
That awkward moment when you’re left with a friend of a friend, and there`s silence until the other friend returns.
All young women begin by believing they can change and reform the men they marry. They can’t.
I am the type of person that tries to fall back asleep in the morning just to finish a dream.
Maybe my face doesn’t light up when I see you anymore, but my heart still does.
This password requires one uppercase letter, one number, (at least) one swastika, the blood of your first born and a bird skull!
Dhadkan ruk gayi meri ye sunkar, jab kaam waali maai ne kaha. Way menu v facebook te add karle.
Parents: “School is your job!” Us: “Really, then where is my pay check?”
You can’t buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
When I text someone in the same room as me, I stare at them until they get it.
Getting old is like a haunted house. There are sounds and smells that can’t be explained.
I have saved a ton of money on birthday cards by switching to Facebook!
Say no to drugs. Although, if you’re talking to drugs, it may be too late.
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says “Hold my beer and watch this.”
I am going to show my kids the movie 2012 and be like Yeah, I survived that.
You cant buy happiness….but you can buy icecream. Good Enough!
Telling your parents stories about you and your friends but cutting out the inappropiate parts.
If life was easy I would be bored.
An economist is someone who gets rich explaining to others why they are poor.
I would like to apologize to anyone I have NOT offended. Please be patient. I’ll get to you shortly.
HOS is getting enough exercise pushing her limits
Morning all…. as you can see your assassins fails!
If you can only be good at one thing, be good at cheating….because if you’re good at cheating, you’re good at everything.
Every book you’ve ever read is just a different combination of the same 26 letters.
I like to name my ipod ‘Titanic’ so when it says ‘Syncing Titanic’ i click cancel and it makes me feel like a hero.
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared?
I am glad friendship doesn’t come with price tags. If it did, I’d never afford someone as great as you.
Dear Tequila, I love you, but we had an agreement. You were supposed to make me hot & a better dancer. I saw the video. We need to talk.
wonders whether he’ll ever see psychedelic cowboy boots
When someone texts you ‘k’, just reply, “L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z”
Life is unfair… that’s why we have dreams.
I laugh at my own jokes because I’m hilarious.
That moment when you want to throw a lamp at someone so they’ll lighten up.
I hate when celebrities get on TV and tell us to donate to some fund… you make 12 million a movie. You send money!
What are you smiling at? Nothing, i just love you.
That moment when CAPS LOCK is not enough to express your anger.
and she’s the girl with the middle finger in the air. ’cause for the first time, she just doesn’t care
Why is driving so hard for some people? I mean, its like coloring! All you do is stay between the freaking lines!
“I Love My Wife” bumper stickers are strictly for men who were caught cheating.
McDonald’s being the official restaurant of the Olympics is like Cigarettes being the official medicine of cancer.
Don’t call me crazy… I much prefer the term “mentally hilarious”
Okay, if we get caught, pretend we don’t speak English.
“Are you as bored as I am?” makes sense even when you read it backwards.
It’s funny how one text can change your entire mood.
HOS is so jobless that he’s replying every spam message
HOS is getting a grip on reality..and choking it to death
Dear teacher , If my hand wasn’t raised it means I don’t know the answer. Sincerely, picking me up is a sign of foolishness.
A life spent making mistakes is not only more honourable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
To make it straight, she pulls it. To make it stand, she rubs it. To make it stiff, she licks it. To let it IN she pushes it. Threading a needle is not easy
HOS is calculating the cost of a train ride to Hawaii
Phones get thinner and smarter, and people?! We get fatter and stupid.
Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from a picture that makes her look ugly.
Life doesn’t come with an eraser. Just cross out your mistakes, and move on to the next sentence.
oh I’m sorry! i didn’t realise you were giving me a dirty look…i just thought you were ugly like that all the time!!
Dear Mom, if my friends did jump off a cliff, it’s because it was my idea. Sincerely, I am a leader not a follower.
Me: “Can I go to the restroom?” Teacher: “What for?!” Me: (thinking) TO OPEN THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS…. Uhm i have to pee