Dear Girls, Bruno Mars may take 1 grenade for you but we take hundreds. Sincerely, the army.
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Be a Stalker today: Go to someone’s Facebook profile, scroll down 6 months, and “LIKE” something.
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
Facebook is one of the most searched term on Google. If you need Google to find Facebook, you shouldn’t be using the internet.
There are two kinds of secrets : one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.
Two girls wear the same shirt: “She copied my style!” Two guys wear the same shirt: “BRO!”
Looking at old pictures & noticing how lame you were when you were younger.
Sometimes I wish animals could talk..then I remember all the things my cats have seen me do when I am alone and I am very grateful they can’t.
Wear jeans every day and nobody cares. Wear a shirt twice in a row and you’re suddenly homeless in the eyes of everyone.
Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is: ‘What is never the answer?
You sent friend request , I accepted , We talked , We liked , We dated , We got commited , I loved , You cheated , I deleted :P
wishes diet burgers, diet pizzas and diet fries existed!! The world would be a whole lot better
“My memory is so bad” “How bad is it” “How bad is what?”
“Hey babe, you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking”
If your baby is beautiful & perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule & burps on demand, an angel all the time, you’re the grandma.
My therapist keeps recommending other therapists.
Girls cheat if there’s something wrong with the relationship; guys cheat if there’s an opportunity.
How I Met Your Mother! 7 Series. 152 episodes. Yet we STILL don’t know how the hell he met their mother.
I liked you until you farted and turned the MUSIC up like it was gonna cover the smell.
fake laughs, fake smiles, fake promises, fake love.
sounds like everything is ‘Made In China’!
On Sunday nights, if you listen closely,,, you can hear Monday taunting you with the “Jaws” theme.
I hate when the remote is way over there.
All a girl wants is a guy that can make her laugh, just not when he drops his pants.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Are you crying? “No, I`m impersonating a fountain.”
Did you know, That if you yell “bloody Mary” 3 times in front of ur mirror at 3AM your mom will show up & tell you to shut up and go to bed?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that you’re not really friends with them?
My life, My choices, My mistakes, My lessons, Not your business.
The USA should invade the USA and win the hearts and minds of the population by building roads, bridges and putting locals to work.
If you tickle my feet, I am not responsible for what happens to your face.
like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert!!
Alcohol does NOT make you fat…it makes you lean…against tables,chairs,walls, floors and ….Ugly people!!!
I DO WHAT I WANT, WHEN I WANT, WHERE I WANT….. if my mom says it’s ok..
I hate when I raise my hand for like two minutes and the teacher calls someone else.
Guns don’t kill people. Double cheeseburgers with extra bacon do.
Rumors are carried by haters, spread by fools and accepted by idiots.
That awkward moment when you’re actually telling the truth but you laugh during it, and everybody thinks you’re lying.
Knowledge is knowing a Tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it into a fruit salad!
I was in a taxi when the driver said “I love my job! I am my own boss & nobody tells me what to do!”. I said Great. Now take a left here!
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I am trying to say is, you look like Shrek.